I want a baby….

I know some of you may think ‘how selfish…she has two children already….’  and you’re right. I suppose I am selfish, but adopting 2 children has not made the feeling go away. I want to experience a baby. I still want to be pregnant. I still hope that every twinge or feeling tired is not due to the long hours at work and running around after the girls, but that it’s a baby growing inside me. Its awful. I just feel so sad about it sometimes. Do you know what gets me most though? When my friends are deciding whether to have another. My friend from work is desperate for another, but is indecisive about it, whether she’s too old etc. I wish I just had the choice. I haven’t been on any contraceptive since 2004. But still nothing. I still hope that it will happen on its own, but think I believe deep down it never will. I was thinking about IVF again but I don’t know. Do I really want to go through it all again? I don’t think I do. It was really hard last time and there was just the 2 of us, now there’s 4 I have the girls to think about. Then theres adoption again. How long would it take next time? What sort of process would we have to go through? Would we be able to have an under 1-year-old? I know these are things I should ask the adoption service, I think I’m just scared. I want 3 children and adopting another would mean totally giving up the dream of ever having my own….i need your thoughts!!!

 

IVF Continued….

So before our little break away within the 2 week wait of our first attempt of IVF i was doubled over in pain and ended up in hospital…just for the day, i was suffering with OHSS, Ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome. I didn’t have an extreme case but it wasn’t nice, i felt swollen, uncomfortable and was in pain. I was checked over and sent home and was told to return if it got worse, it didn’t thank god, but it can be quite dangerous, and can be common with people who suffer from PCOS.

So…on the next round of IVF because of what had happened with the OHSS, we decided not to do a fresh cycle but to instead use our frozen embryos. Only thing was there was less of a success rate, but we decided t give it a go.

It was June 2008, 5 months after our first round, we decided to wait a little longer as had a much needed holiday in the May.

The process was a bit more simple as didn’t have to go through the egg retrieval. Again i had 2 embryos put back in, this time the embryos were 5 days old, if i remember right i think this is blastocyst. I had the 2 week wait again.

It didn’t work – again. We had to go through the whole taking the test, it being negative, telling everyone, carrying on as normal…i guess that was the hardest thing about the 2nd round, the carrying on as normal.

My husband and I decided after that not to have IVF again. I just couldn’t go through it anymore. Anyone who has been through will know it is such an emotional rollercoaster and it’s really hard to stay positive and be ‘normal’. To continue usual day-to-day life was a struggle. Going to work, making dinner etc. Also i was constantly on edge that someone was going to tell me they were pregnant. It was awful. I have no idea how people have loads of goes, i take my hat off to them. I know some people are desperate for children, i would love to have a baby, but i honestly could not put myself through it again, it just wasn’t for me.

Baby fever…

Does anyone else who’s trying or has tried to conceive for a long time think they’re pregnant at the slightest twinge or pain?

After all these years i still sometimes think i could be pregnant. I’m not as bad as i used to be, in the way i would go through pregnancy tests like they were going out of fashion. But i do think: ‘wow i’m extra tired today, i might be pregnant’, ‘my appetite has increased/decreased, i might be pregnant’, ‘i have spotting – it might be implantation bleeding’, etc etc etc.

Sometimes i think Lea stop kidding your self, there is no way on this earth you could be pregnant. It would have happened before now. It’s hard to stay positive and think that after all these years it might still happen. I really do try to push everything about trying to conceive to the back of my mind, as far as it will go but it keeps popping up every now and again. I wish i could stop thinking about it.

 

IVF…

Not the most friendliest of phrases. Just looks bad…IVF, ivf, caps or not i don’t like it.

It’s not something we had really talked about and to be honest my husband and i were petrified. BUT we had at least 18 months of waiting so we had plenty of time to think!

Towards the end of 2007 my mam and i were shopping and over lunch she said ‘me and your dad want to pay for your IVF treatment so you can have it sooner and go private…’ i was so shocked. I had previously looked into going private but discarded that idea after seeing the price. Over £4k a go it wasn’t cheap.  My mam had looked into it to and knew exactly how much it was. My parents didn’t have a great deal of money, it would be using some of their savings from the sale of their house. I felt a bit awful about taking it. I still do now to be honest. But they were adamant.

In early January 2008 we had our first IVF appointment at the London women’s clinic in Darlington. We were late, due to traffic which wasn’t a great start, to be honest i felt like i was attending a job interview. The first consultation alone was a few hundred pounds….it went well, as well as it could have gone really. We set the ball rolling to start our treatment asap.

I don’t really remember the whole process, but i will give it a go! First of all i had to take the pill, i can’t remember exactly how long for but because i didn’t have periods (only have about 1-2 a year) they needed me to take it, to then stop it, to create a bleed. While i was taking this i had a giant box of medication delivered to my house, i was so scared when i opened it, some of the needles looked massive. The daily injections actually didn’t hurt as much as i thought, the ones in the bum hurt more which is surprising! My hubby did all my injections, they showed him how to and he was fine doing them. There was also some pessaries to take (not nice) but not totally awful.

The extracting of eggs was fine, it didn’t hurt or anything and i could see on the monitor. They managed to get 11 eggs from me. Matt did his sample too and my eggs were fertilised using ICSI where the sperm was injected directly into the egg. 8 of the embryos were viable after ICSI. We were pleased.

On my first go of IVF in February 2008 i had 2 embryos put back in me. Then was the best bit, the 2 week wait….NOT. It was the longest 2 weeks of my life, or at least that’s what it felt like. Hubby and I went away in a log cabin for a break in the middle of the 2 week wait, we did nothing, i laid around all day and my husband pretty much waited on me hand and foot. We went for some short walks as had a dog, but the majority of the time i did nothing.

I would have done anything to make it work. Anything.

After the 2 weeks i took a pregnancy test, it was negative. I think the worst part was the fact that people knew, not everyone but obviously family knew and some friends, so they had the 2 week wait too, and then i had to let them all know it had been unsuccessful. I then had to wait for the bleed which came a couple of days after taking the test. I just felt empty. My husband kept it together for my sake i think. But he was hopeful that we should try again and see if it would work….

 

You’re next, It’ll happen…

Wow the amount of times i heard that was unbelivable.

I have told you about my husbands sister already, well when she told us she was pregnant for the 2nd time, my mother in law looked over at me and said  wow, ‘you need to catch up’ without a 2nd thought. Thanks i thought! I was upset and my sister in law thought she would make me feel better by saying ‘don’t worry it’ll be you next’, wow wish i knew what crystal ball she was looking in! It DID NOT make me feel any better.

When my oldest sister had her 2nd child in 2006 she asked me if she could call her a name she knew i wanted my baby girl to be called if i ever had one. Why ask my permission? What would she have done if i’d have said no? Seriously?

My younger sister got pregnant the first time from missing her contraceptive injection and the 2nd time!! I just didn’t get how it was so easy for everyone else and yet the hardest thing in the world for me. I still don’t get it to be fair. I also hate the saying ‘fell pregnant’.

My best friend tricked her partner into having a baby, she came off the pill and have the nerve to say to me it took her a long time to get pregnant after only months of trying, i could go on and on about stories and goings on. I had all of this happening around me, yet nothing happening with me. It is also soooo true that when you’re trying and cannot think of anything else, everyone around you seems to be pregnant. EVERYONE.

 

Today….

Rather than go back in time i thought i would tell you a little bit about today and what has happened. My sister has had a baby. Whilst this is very much a happy and joyous occasion i can’t help but feel sad too. I can’t have children naturally and i thought i was ‘over’ the whole having a baby thing but this has just brought all my feelings back up which were tucked away inside me. I feel anxious, on edge a little if you like. Just can’t help just wishing it was me, it’s just another reminder that i won’t ever be pregnant, go into labour, give birth and then all the fun that comes after that…..feel a bit empty really.